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Original* Puns, Word Plays & Quips: A Compendium
of Guffaws Giggles, & Mirth
ISBN 978-0-9791766-7-8, $9.97 paperback,
$3.97 Kindle eBook
Kindle Prime Members read it Free!
* Dozens of droll daffynitions that turn your understanding of common
|Winner, Humor Category, 2011 Global
1. Merrill the Peril: "I'm gonna bite Bambi!" Mother: "Don't chew deer!"
2. Scientists have developed an artificial stomach implant, but it's still intestine stage!
3. The real reason octuplets are so uncommon is they're 8 typical!
4. Buttwiser: Brand of beer smart asses drink!
5. Where do you take a sick sandwich? To the mayo clinic!
6. The king of Thebes was forbidden to operate a chariot because Oedipus Wrecks!
7. Napoleonic wars were really about toilets. Napoleon was a staunch believer in privies, but the Duke of Wellington gave his all for the water loo!
8. Dictatorial monarchs fear the press. They're terrified of break king news!
9. Critical skill for an income tax preparer: Deductive reasoning!
10. Why did the moron stay in the dark place beneath the bleachers when the Yankees played? He wanted to under stand the game!
11. When a football star marries a tennis champ, do they pro create?
12. Humonyms: Songs with the same sound but different meanings!
13. A polluted reservoir has H2 woes!
14. People who want to cut back school budgets won't take "know" for an answer!
15. Why can't you take away the fancy carved wood surrounding the fireplace in a Victorian dwelling? You'll dis-mantle the house!
16. What would you call a powder that turned a Norwegian into a native-born resident of Stockholm? Artificial Swedener!
17. If you keep an acorn in your hand too long you get a palm tree!
18. Why does smoke come out of James Papadopoulos' leg joint? Because that's where his Jim knee is!
Why are so many pool players deaf?
They clean their ears with cue tips!
Why must you use a pencil to draw a level line?
Because if you use a pen, you get an ink line!
What medication do you give a pig with laryngitis?
What's the leading cause of divorce in long-term marriages?
A stale mate!
What would you think about a potion that turns people into cats?
I don't know, but it would give me paws!
Why shouldn't you put a baby's dirty diapers in the laundry bin?
You wouldn't want to hamper his movements!
377. When the artisan finished the sundial in the wealthy musician's garden in ancient Greece, his client thought it was too plain, and needed a frame or border. "How about some rock around the clock," the artisan asked!
Did you hear about the guaranteed fishing worms?
If you don't catch anything, you get a re-bait!
Why do men want to kiss women on the first date?
Because they think it's the quick-kiss way to get what they want!
487. The seamstress, captured by an invading army, knew that the ruthless king was very fond of gathered curtains, but nobody in his kingdom knew how to make them. What did she do when she was brought before him? She pleated for mercy!
What would you say if the Pillsbury Dough Boy played baseball?
What would a claustrophobic flea say?
"Let me out of hair!"
Why is a teenager so scary after he gains six inches?
Because he grew some!
Why are dogs imprecise?
Because they are afraid to be de-tailed!